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Male, 34 years old
Transistional, Existence, Eastern US

  Offline - Last On: 27 mins ago

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31,672 Posts | Member Since: 10/30/2008
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see line woman

Interests: Dogs / Dating / Cats / Hunting / Fashion
Homepage: (None)
Birthday:6/11/1988 (34 Years Old)
IM Type: (Decline to State) IM Name:
Occupation: find me
Marital Status: (Decline to State)
Sexual Preference: Straight
Religion: Christian
Politics: Moderate
Fav. Movie: in
Fav. TV Show: my
Fav. Book: field of grass
Fav. Song: mother
Fav. Food: nature`s
Fav. Car: son
Active Journal Entries | Archived Journal Entries

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Pack your bags we’ll leave tonight. - Mood:Good
Tuesday February 09 20217:03:55 AM |
I’m referring to that song by Journey or Foreigner or Boston or whatever. It’s actually a kind of dark lyric if you look at it right. It’s not like hey two tickets let’s go to the movies, or hey I’ve got two tickets let’s catch the ball game, it’s not two tickets with a beach side villa and roostertails.

It’s get your sh*t together we’re leaving now. Kind of. Like throw your stuff in a bag and let’s not tell anyone we’re leaving. Don’t turn back. The time nor the hour.

I mean I’m sure it was just, hey this sounds good and rhymes, but...

I am packing my bags and leaving eventually. Yet another vacation with family. This time it’s traveling in the air. With testing and things.

We leave in a couple of weeks. For a week.

It’s warm weather and beaches. I know postal said where he was going but I’m going with a group so I don’t know if it’s like a dox or whatever

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Silence soon. - Mood:Good
Sunday July 26 202010:04:00 PM |
Going to a very silent place. Regrouping with soaking in water. Regrouping away from people besides my family. It should be good. I’m looking forward to it. Tomorrow is the start of the final stretch. Just five more days of hard work. At this point I only have one week of vacation and it’s all being used at once.

It really is a quiet place. We have a routine that we’re accustomed to. It’s nearing the point of ritual. I think it’s been every summer for almost twenty years. I think there was a stretch without it but we’ve been going for a long time.

So this is the kicking off point.

The drinking might be out of control. I hope it isn’t but it might be. Which conflicts with the silence. Like mornings. Time reading. Daily tennis. Coffee on the dock.

But we’ve begun to ramp up the lake drinking. I guess it is what it is. We are all drinkers among my brothers.

But yay...

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I’m sunburned. - Mood:Good
Tuesday May 26 20202:07:24 PM |
Social distancing was less stringent for me this weekend. I know reopening is happening in phases. I might have skipped a phase.

I was outside all weekend. There’s that. Not a lot of hugs or close contact. Went down the river. Went to someone’s house in a more populated area and hung out with five or six people. We played beer pong with water cups.

It was nice. The river was fun. It really is a beautiful river to float down. I made a workout out of kayaking. The only misstep was a dog jumped out of a canoe but we survived and I chased down the paddle and had to leave my car at my aunt’s and...

The mind worry is that I saw two people I work with on the river. And I was drinking. So that felt awkward.

But the river was the most populated area as far as social distancing goes. Otherwise it was just small groups of people from my father’s side of the family. Net positive..

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Ham bone ideas. - Mood:Good
Tuesday May 05 202012:03:41 PM |
I have a ham bone and some hand. I want to make a soup because multiple people tell me that’s what you can do with ham bones. But I honestly don’t know how to start.

I k ow I could google this and get a blog post. But I’d much rather take the aggregate response if there even is a response in this rather defunct site. In recent days at least.

I’m thinking just split peas, ham bone, bag of frozen vegetables, some amount of water. Turn on slow cook. Come home and stir and consume. Please tell me if I am living in a falsehood concerning ham bones.

But I’ve actually expanded my wheelhouse in the cooking department. Not a ton. But my eggs have cheese on them now. And I’m making rice and vegetables and then making fried rice with the leftovers.

But I guess after this post I’ll just bite the bull dick and google ham bone soup crock pot magic quick food meal easy go time fun stuff..

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Quarintennis. - Mood:Good
Sunday April 05 202010:30:33 PM |
My serve is rusty. But it feels not bad. Second serve is hopping up as it’s supposed to. Every once in a while my toss is just the right amount of out front on the first.

My backhand has become a natural thing in the past couple years/seasons. That’s been the most satisfying. I can create with it rather than just release it. Definite sense of feel at contact. Understanding when a slice is necessary but trying to not use it too defensively.

My brother is my partner. Sometimes he wakes up past noon but any Saturday or Sunday sans rain is an opportunity. I’m sore in a very satisfying way. Especially since we’ve been doing match play and mixing in serving with the groundstrokes.

So it’s been a very successful use of quarantime. And I’ve been getting free food at the parents’ too so I can save my frozen quaranmeats. It’s really been kind of quaranfun. Not quarantrapped.

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Not flying. - Mood:Good
Wednesday March 18 202010:57:28 AM |
I’m not going away anymore. I’ve mentioned it a couple of times now but my family had planned on going to St. John with everyone for a week in an air bnb.

We were planning on going during the restrictions being placed in NY. We were planning on going when they shut down schools and bars and movie theaters. The deciding factor to not go was when St Thomas started making restrictions. Particularly ferry services that would have possibly left us stranded on one island or the other.

So at first it was a relief because I wasn’t waiting for the axe to fall but now it’s setting in that I really was looking forward to the trip.

I’m just not taking time off now.

And oh yeah. I forgot to mention that in my email to HR. I sent an email about an HSA and a 401k but was supposed to also mention that I’m cancelling my vacation time. I guess I’ll just reply I’d they reply.

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I’m not sure how many pills I took. - Mood:Good
Monday March 09 202011:39:32 PM |
I was in the kitchen two or three times since I’ve been home. I know I put on rice. I know I grabbed one beer out of the fridge. But where I keep my medication, which is in a little box above the table near the stained glass window, that box was open. And I don’t think I went to the sink twice. I’m pretty sure I only went to the sink once.

But the box was open so I may have doubled the dosage for maximum vent.

I was actually preparing myself for a world without YT though. To be more on point with the rest of the threads. I actually drank too much on Saturday and made two or three more songs on the Auxy app on my phone.

So now I’m just going to shamelessly plug this Auxy app. The noises are satisfying and the interface is really simple. It’s a good rendition of the several dumbed down beat makers have to offer. Patterns helped me last week. Looking at and making them.

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Always the same... - Mood:Good
Friday February 14 202010:21:10 AM |
having another breakdown, drive me insane.

But that’s really the problem I’m having again. Is a lack of communication. Not all over the place. I’m talking to my family. I’m talking to people when I go out. There’s many aspects where I’m able to communicate freely in my day to day. But work communication is my primary issue.

That’s what I stress about. That’s what makes me feel like I need to take my prescriptions. It’s the off shift. Is what I tell myself.

But it’s not only the off shift I think. I think it’s also a part of people choosing sides. I think it’s a part of a department that people have started to lose confidence in. I think it’s a part of a labor conversation.

But the part that I can’t not get frustrated about is when I program an inspection method and receive very little feedback.

No news is good news maybe.

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Somewhat - Mood:Good
Wednesday January 29 202012:53:52 AM |
It’s probably a lot like those uncomfortable moments. But for everyone in a crowded room.

It’s settling down lately. I’m only sporadically involved in anything. I don’t think it’s really chess like. But I’ve never developed an end game in chess anyway. I’m not sure of actually winning is anything more than a commercial.

Probably I should appreciate this is plateau over valley. I don’t think I’m subject to anything immediately. It was kind of immediate subjugation for, probably five years.

I can’t wrap my head around it.

Did I tell everyone I’m going on vacation again? In March. With three brothers, two parents, a niece, a nephew, a sister in law, and a brother’s significant other.

It should be good. I just don’t want to drink too much. I’m scared that I’m going to drink too much or worse, drink too much and fight with my siblings, or worse, drink too much and fight with my father.

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It’s like the Jetsons but not really. - Mood:Good
Thursday January 16 202012:35:13 AM |
So I think I was dating a robot for a couple weeks. I’m not 100% sure of this. Unverifiable really. Just a valid assumption.

I even gave it real money.

In the form of Amazon gift cards.

I was suspicious when they posed themselves as an adult film star. Then I gave them half of my fantasy football winnings. Then I gave them the same amount I spent on groceries that weekend.

Eventually they sent me ugly girl pictures.

The grand finale was a plan to send boxes that contained 700000 dollars to my apartment and then they would fly themselves to me and we would buy a mansion.

It’s a five paycheck month and I had fantasy football money. But...

I wonder if boxes really would have arrived at my apartment. And I wonder how much drugs would have been inside of them.

I think this area is too heavily taxed for online dating to work. People rebelling against the system are killing it...

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Decathlon of stresslympics! - Mood:Good
Wednesday January 01 20202:02:42 AM |
It’s been okay.

The holidays have just been bumpy. I had two here. Two on. One here tomorrow then two more on.

Confusing really. Just lacking the week’s normal momentum. But I’ve had to do bursts of work. I’m looking backwards at it now and it’s less incoherent. It’s more of refining than retracing steps.

Boss gave me more positive feedback today. I think there’s room for improvement. But I think it’s moving in the right direction in his eyes.

We’ll see. This is officially year one with the company coming up in February. I think my boss is thinking progress leads to more progress.

But of course everyone in the world might just be lying to me.

Work is all I do.

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Additional stress on top of your stress. - Mood:Good
Saturday December 07 201912:21:54 AM |
Work was intense as usual this week. Sorry. This is another work journal.

I asked about an evaluation. It’s coming up on a year since they brought me on from the staffing agency. I don’t know.

It’s such a small business. I’m not sure how they structure that. When I say evaluation I am wondering if they should be paying me more money.

My boss followed up by having us record a schedule of our day. It was actually nice. It helped me stress less to look at a map of how much time I have to do things.

The last place I worked at had something like that. That was calculated though. As an efficiency rating. That was competitiveness that made that fun.

But it’s just sometimes not having all the answers that makes me get out of my head.

That’s what really frustrates me.

Communication on an off shift is abysmal so. The echo chamber is real.

I need another beer.

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Holy days - Mood:Good
Monday December 02 201911:35:36 AM |
Spent the holidays with family from my dad’s side. My grandfather’s condition is getting worse. He was alert on Saturday. He gave me a hug and a handshake. We watched Notre Dame block a punt and turn the game around against Stanford.

Saw a lot of family I haven’t seen in years.

I think we’re all preparing ourselves. It’s coming to terms. It’s waiting and praying.

We also got a ton of snow last night. And after cooking a free turkey that I got from work at my grandfather’s I absconded with what was left of the carcass and ventured into the snowy roads, windswept and treacherous as they were, and navigated into town.

Then when being pushed out of my snowy parking spot by neighbors I dented my bumper.

It’s alright though.

Oh I’m also now clean shaven as of yesterday morning. Debonair December. I need a haircut.

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It’s like words. Don’t disengage. This is about books. - Mood:Good
Thursday November 14 201912:20:41 PM |
I’m terrible about books lately. I’m a thief mostly.

So I’m partially in the middle of...

Leaves of Grass. Which is forgiveable. I read the long form intros and am laying off on the collection.

Against The Day. Pynchon is just too brutal. I’ll get back to it but that’s the one that really has my brain jammed up.

Invisible Nation. About the Kurds. Also tough and upsetting. Got to the real recent history. Was written prior to ISIS. Just misery.

Our Band Could Be Your Life. Also forgiveable. I cared about Sonic Youth’s story but haven’t listened to the Butthole Surfers. That’s just back on the shelf.

Briefly picked up Aristotle and Kandinsky stuff. Couldn’t stomach mind warping. Didn’t really give it a shot this time.

But now I’m committed. Like literally insane. No I’m just.

I got a new book that I’m interested in. Should be nice and dry and informative.

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Slight groom from time to time but mostly just hair growth November - Mood:Good
Wednesday November 06 201911:05:18 AM |
Should I post a link to a No Shave November fundraiser? I don’t think anyone would donate. But this is my thread for it...

Screw it.

There’s the link.

But am I wrong or is YT slowing more than usual lately? Is discord cutting off traffic that severely? I still prefer this format because I’m a self indulgent blowhard but...

Really though. Ghost town.

Did I mention my parents are traveling in Europe? That’s neat isn’t it.

I’m just still scaring myself by taking a hit or two of weed on the weekends and worrying myself sick that somehow I’m going to get fired for it.

Hope everyone likes hair on face...

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Destructo. I’m going to start calling myself destructo. - Mood:Good
Friday November 01 201912:04:38 AM |
So for a spell I was here while I was working as an engineer. Office excel jockey administrative type big data go f*ck yourself if you ask me a question kind of environment. It was challenging because I have small brain syndrome. Not that I’m stupid but I’m just another small brain like the rest of y’all small brains. So it didn’t materialize from contract work to full time position. It was awful and I had to learn to grow from being fed my own misery.

But anyway. Somewhat more on the up and up with my back still heavy laden.

But news!

They shut down that facility. Or they are in the process of shutting down that facility.

So did I win? Or did I lose?

Is it possible that in my short time there I infected enough people with small brain theory that it ceased to function properly. I prodded. I adjusted. Maybe I turned something off that should have been on?

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Blank journal entry. - Mood:Good
Saturday October 19 20191:52:31 AM |
So is this really what I should do? It’s late. It’s Friday. I have had too many in an empty stomach.

What am I trying to accomplish?

I’m here though. I’m here and I’m waiting o having another. Another confusion. Another delirium.

I’m just not sure if ion right in this.

I usually havr dinner on Friday. I have a beer or two. I step out for a smoke. And I see that the bar is closed. I had no food and went to the bar. It was had people and now I’m drunk. What does it mean?

I’m just tired but I want food.

What was dinner for you?

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I get to the bottom and I go back to the top of the slide. - Mood:Good
Friday October 11 201911:45:06 AM |
I’m more mature this month. By about two three hundred dollars. Which is nice. I’ve spent a lot less.

The work week was like one of those log rides at an amusement park. Not the long waiting part where you go to the top of the slide. But just busy busy busy until yesterday where I splashed into a tepid pool of realizing that productivity in one area had caused work to pile up somewhere else. So that was like the tepid pool of chlorine that I found myself wallowing in yesterday.

So I think today I’ll probably have time to start the slow climb back into the position of going down the slide again.

I’ve got blisters on my fingers.

Did anyone else have a chilly fall week that was actually mostly sunny and pleasant?

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Please don’t ban me. - Mood:Good
Thursday October 03 201911:51:02 PM |
It’s a brand new day. I am possible of sitting by myself with cheap beer and Sportscenter. I am possible of not spending a hundred dollars every other weekend. I am possible of netting positive.

Probable. I might even be probable.

But related and unrelated.

Work is impossible to expect in my line of work. And that’s my major lesson as of late. I think I still have to fight the struggle for routine. I don’t know. I think every time routine shifts something gets accomplished.

I’m just worried because a project that I didn’t inspect for a couple days went south in a hurry.

This was last news of the night stuff.

I hate last news of the night stuff. It doesn’t hit me until I’m home and suddenly I’m too angry to enjoy my beer.


Stressful job stuff. When was the last time you yelled at someone at work? I haven’t in a while. Third shift lady usually gets the brunt of it.

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Money money money monkey... money - Mood:Overwhelmed
Saturday September 21 20191:45:54 PM |
I’m feeling increasingly settled. Which is causing increasing boredom. I like my job. I like my apartment. I’m in touch with family for support. The tired routine of stressing every month’s bills away is what bogs me down.

But I did stuff this week. I programmed parts. I carried in wood. I survived my paranoid tendencies.

Maybe I have to transition into overtime mode. I’m not salary. I’m hourly. I get paid for overtime. My boss said that if I want overtime I can calibrate gauges after my shift.

Overtime for second means working into the wee hours.

And my sleep schedule was good this week.

That’s an issue. Rotating sleep patterns.

I’ll bring up OT on Monday. Wait. There’s an audit Tuesday.


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Turd wheel... - Mood:Good
Sunday September 15 20198:10:37 PM |
So my cousin moved into the area like five years ago. She’s about my age. She’s doing social work in the area.

It’s been a whirlwind of hanging out with her and meeting people and having parties. I got sucked into the world of an older guy cousin in the area for a spell as well.

Long story short, this cousin was dating someone for a long time. They are no longer dating. My cousin is now dating other people. The thing is that twice now she’s had me meet someone she was currently seeing.

What does that mean?

Is that normal? It’s been mildly awkward. They were both very nice people.

Just any advice as to whether or not I’m being fooled or taken advantage of. That personality test thing said I’m most concerned with self preservation. I don’t like people playin on my phone.

I might just be complaining about normal socialization.

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Four day weeks are better than three day weekends. - Mood:Good
Thursday September 05 201912:48:26 AM |
Turn on ESPN if you’re reading this. Or don’t. It’s not a big deal. The little Argentinian is fighting like a madman. That’s all you’re missing.

It’s very whatever it’s going to be lately. I can sympathize with this little man burdened by a dominant force. Battling back at the ever present onslaught. Chipping away to always fall short in stature and accomplishment.

Don’t bother turning on ESPN anymore. It’s over. The battle is lost. The greater conquered the lesser. The weaker succumbed to the stronger.

I’m just mumbling because I was denied entry to the place of imbibement. Not entry but access. Last call and the sort.

Match is over anyway.

Oh yeah. I only have to work for two more days one of which I am being paid on.

And I missed a psychiatrist appointment this morning.

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Weak end. Lately at least. - Mood:Good
Saturday August 24 201910:55:28 AM |
I’m kind of stumbling into weekends still. It’s not all that enjoyable. I’ve got to step up my game though. For many reasons but a few in particular. Well basically one thing.

I have to go to a wedding next weekend. I need to polish my habits. I’m thinking.

And really there’s just so much that needs polishing. I’m going to polish the sh*t out of myself.

It should be fine I hope. I can do formal, can’t I? I can be a sociable person. I’m saying it so it’s possible. I hope I don’t drink too much. I hope I can resist the urge to smoke at an inopportune time. I hope I don’t feel overwhelmed.

Oh and fair. And concert. And other concert. Possibly more on that later. Possibly not. I don’t know.

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My car’s getting fixed. Aren’t you glad? - Mood:Good
Tuesday July 30 20191:15:15 PM |
My parts are being ordered for my car to get inspected. I had to be up early to bring it over there. I don’t know why. My uncle is letting me borrow a scanner. I could have told them the codes.

I hope to hear back by Thursday. If not I’ll call on Friday. I’m planning on leaving it there next week while I’m away.

It’s three components. Hopefully it’s not too expensive. I’m hoping under three. I can do that now without relying on credit though. That’s the thing. I put a bunch of money on credit cards getting the suspension fixed.

The view from my new apartment is nicer. The pressure valve has been turned down a bit with finances. My car’s going to be inspected. They want to send me for more programming classes. I’m on vacation next week.

All in all it’s on the up and up.

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Everyone’s on vacation except me... - Mood:Good
Wednesday July 17 201911:52:55 PM |
Work has been going okay. I’m pretty spent right about now. It’s just a lot to do with very little feedback. Which... is tiring. But...

The positive takeaway is that I’ve felt this way before. And that was when I was working under contract for those couple years. I mean I’ve seen the engineering parallels the whole time. But with the programming in the mix it’s feeling like real engineering.

That’s it really. I don’t have the title but I think I have the skill set requirements.

So yes. I’m working like a dog without much recognition. But I’m becoming better prepared.

I mean. I’m minimum maintenance at this point in my life. I don’t need the extra money really.

My stress levels are high though. I’m managing but not that well. I’m drinking too much. I’m not sleeping well.

Net neutral but hopeful.

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